do you believe in love at first sight it's an illusion i don't care
it's all an illusion there's too much confusion down down down with your heart find find find the secret turn turn turn your head around baby we can do it we can do it alright do you believe in love at first sight it's an illusion i don't care do you believe i can make you feel better too much confusion come on over here can we get together i really i really want to be with you come and check it out with me i hope you i hope you feel the same way too...
Thursday, April 27, 2006 :::
FALLING APART
You've noticed that recently I'm starting to adopt a point form writing style (well of course you can argue that there is no 'style' involved in my writing whatsoever). But yes, that's the easy way to write about stuff that's happening - because it's usually quite hard to find a way to link them in a logical sense. Connectives like 'moreover', 'in addition' etc don't fit
e.g. I love oranges. In addition, the new Jewel CD will be out soon.
Nor will it be a pleasant read if I say things like: Firstly, I love Jewel. Secondly, the new orange will be out soon.
They're logical ways to make things illogical when put together.
So, I'd rather adopt the easiest way to connect my banters together into something fragmented but wholesome at the same time, simply by using arabic numbers.
I hope this way you'll find it easier to read about my random thoughts too. Or skip whatever point you don't like.
1. Radiologists are really amazing people. You can be sure that a (competent) radiologist must be really really really good at playing 'photo hunt'. This one is for sure. And what they do is exactly like playing photo hunt too, when the task involves comparing old films and new films.
e.g. A patient comes in, and is suspected to have a stroke. So the logical thing to do is to have an urgent brain CT, right? Next thing you'd be interpreting the CT films - (which are no longer films anymore cuz you just look at the computer screen! Technology is amazing, but can have certain downsides that I will not discuss here) - and then, you compare the new films with the old films. Nothing much - you just some spots here and there - old infarcts, nothing serious. But oh! There's this thing in the thyroid nodule, that isn't present in the old film!
And then they report that there's this tiny thyroid nodule that's shown on the CT.
That, is why I say they have to be amazing people. I'd love to see them play photo hunt too because I'm sure a group of radiologists can certainly make it to the top level, if there is one.
2. I've done my first pediatrics case today. The baby looks so cute. He/she (I think she's a baby girl) has angelic eyes. She gazes at you with the most engaging gaze. You know she's actually looking at you, thinking whatever she's thinking in her little brain. Perhaps figuring out things too complicated for adults to understand. She lies so still on the examination bed, she doesn't make a sound, and she just looks around. She is one very quiet and beautiful baby girl.
But she's strapped. All 4 poor little limbs of hers. Because she needs her feeding tube changed, and of course she's not allowed to move for this procedure. Her little belly has 2 pockets - both filled with dark greenish fluid. One is for feeding (into her small bowel), and the other a stoma (collection from her large bowel).
And you melt, and you sink, when you see a baby like that.
I can't imagine what she's gone through. She must have been cut open since birth. For whatever reason she can't feed, nor can she defacate. So she's never tasted her mother's milk. Even if her mother wants her too, which I'm sure she does.
During the procedure she just looks around. She toys with a piece of paper (with a sticker on it - not the kind of stickers you imagein. No it's not hello kitty or doraemon. It's the kind of sticker that has the patient's name, ID, etc etc on. And she's pretty content with that label in her hand. She waves it a little bit, but her little hand is strapped, so she can't move a lot. She moves a little. But she makes no sound. She just gazes around. At all the people in the room wearing heavy lead coats. I'm sure she's not frightened at all, because these are the people that surround her since her coming to life.
She doesn't know that a situation like that, is scary, even to a grown adult. She knows no fear. She's the only one in the room who isn't wearing any protection. While all the grown men and women beside her wear heavy lead jackets, she lies still under the machine that gives out X ray beams.
And during the procedure we placed a tube inside her bowel. Injected some contrast. Make sure the tube goes in alright. Green juice keeps leaking out from the openings on her belly. A very familiar odor but I can't really describe what it smells like - it just smells familiar. She's a baby, so I am not even disgusted by the mess. Somehow it becomes a different thing when it's coming out from an innocent baby girl like her. (Why - why would it become disgusting if that mess is coming out from a grown adult or an elderly? I don't know. This baby doesn't even scream like an old man would. Should I have more sympathy towards a baby who gets used to pain and perhaps doesn't feel it anymore, or should I offer more to a grown adult whose pain receptors are so sensitive that they scream when a 22G needle is put in?)
And so the tube is placed. Quite safely inside her intestines. It's time to fix the tube. So some stiching is needed. Once again, the baby doesn't make a sound when the doctor, who is very kind by the way, pokes the needle through her very much abused skin. Not even lignocaine was given to this baby. She just doesn't make a sound.
After the procedure, she gazes some more at me. I wish I could take away all the pain she's having.
Her world has fallen apart. She doesn't even know that. I hope she'll have a good life. But I doubt the scars on her belly will ever go away, no matter what.
There's no sadness in her eyes. Yet. But it hurts to just look at her engaging eyes. She has beautiful eyes.
***
I just want to kiss on your scars if that'd make you feel better. Don't ask me why. And no I'm not talking about the baby girl anymore.
it's all an illusion there's too much confusion down down down with your heart find find find the secret turn turn turn your head around baby we can do it we can do it alright do you believe in love at first sight it's an illusion i don't care do you believe i can make you feel better too much confusion come on over here can we get together i really i really want to be with you come and check it out with me i hope you i hope you feel the same way too...
